Posted by: Lisa Gawlas | September 9, 2012

Living Within The Illusion ~ What Are Your Memories Re-Creating?

Before I get onto the sharing that has been on my heart to share since the first day I woke up in my sons world (Ok this is only day two, but still!)  I have got to share a smile with you first.  My 2-year-old grandson has completely renamed Putt Putt Golf to Hockey Hole! He has been talking about Hockey Hole since I arrived and yesterday we went and played Putt Putt, his whole body lit up as we pulled in and he started shouting “Hockey Hole, Hockey Hole.”   Ya know, I just love being a Grandma!

Maybe it is the fact that I had just written about the various brain sections and spent an entire morning reading about all the functions of the brain that this sharing became more real than not.  It seems, as I started waking up to start my day yesterday morning, an entire story of non-reality started to make itself very clear to me on so many levels.  But let me start further back than yesterday.

One of the first tricks of learning meditation, beyond stilling the crazy mind chatter, was learning how deep to go into meditation.  For the longest time, I would be going into meditation for two full hours and coming back with barely a fleeting memory of where I went and what I experienced.  Of course, back then, I had no clue we could regulate or even want to regulate the depth of meditation as we embarked on self discovery.  My then ten-year old was about to teach me that I really did need to control my depth and quickly learned that I could.

In 2001 I was spending at least 2 hours at a time and up to five times a day in meditation each and every day.  I had one bathroom, a 10-year-old and 17-year-old living with me and my meditation place is the bathtub.  I would forewarn my children that I was about to take a bath and this was the last call for potty use until I came out.  This one day, even tho my daughter had already emptied her bladder before I started my journey, her bladder was about to teach me a lesson I would never forget.

I was well over an hour into la la land within my bath when all of a sudden this loud pounding that filled the sound waves slammed my far off consciousness back into a body I did not recognize on the shocking return.  I sat in a very cold tub of water, listening to a girl yelling “mommy I gotta go to the bathroom.”  I had no clue who she was, who I was, where I was, why I was in a tub of cold water.  Even as I sat up in my tub, I was so utterly disoriented for minutes, I wasn’t even sure how to use the voice box that came with the aspect of me shivering in the bath.

For two or three minutes straight, I had no orientation with the world around me or that crazy girl yelling from the other side of the door.  Once I finally got myself together, literally, it started to dawn on me…. ohhh yeah, bathroom, daughter, meditation… weird.  I never ever went that deep again, nor did I ever forget the experience of that traumatic event within me.

Yesterday morning as I woke up in my sons home for the first time since April, I was not awake yet, but felt some disoriented part of my own consciousness slipping into the body on the couch.  I was not seeing anything, but instead, orienting myself with a network of “memory cells” to re-orient my consciousness into the field of matter I was about to wake up within.  I was able to witness this whole process first hand.

I was above my body energetically and consciousness.  I was slipping into (what I call) the external field of created life of myself.  I had a really hard time orienting myself to me.  Even tho I was sleeping on the couch, the energy around the couch was not familiar at all.  I was not in my familiar direction that I wake up in every morning, the space around me was completely off (his couch is located on the other side of the room than mine is.)  Even as I slipped into the body of me, I was confused as to where I was.  Beyond not initially recognizing anything with my eyes open, it was really about not being able to call on my own memory cells of orientation of where I was.

Since I was last here for my sons custody battle in April, he has purchased a new couch and also a new table and chairs for his son.  There was no familiar energy field as I woke up, that oriented me to an experience from the past (old couch I slept on.)  Waking up this morning was similar, but not as long or unfamiliar.  I have now created memories of energy within my external field of experience.

I thought about this all day yesterday, to the point I know spirit has been hitting a point home so hard it became unmistakable in my own awareness.  None of this is real.  It is only perceived as real because of the energy we have created it to be in our reality.  It is the amazing function of that crazy little thing we call our brain that says what you are doing or seeing is real and made of matter.  It isn’t at all.  It is a memory.  Very much like reading a book, stopping at any given point and placing a book marker in the pages of the book so you can continue reading where you left off.  This happens every time we go to sleep or meditate at way too deep a level.

But yet, now I am witnessing a complicated enhancement to this story of illusion.  My 2.5 year old grandson.  This part, let me tell ya, is breaking my heart to pieces.

Let me first set up the layout of this house.  Imagine my grandsons room and my sons room is the two end points of a V and I sleep at the connecting point of the V.  My grandson sleeps on the right of the V, my son on the left.  He woke up in the middle of the night (he does this every night) crying and literally begging for his “daddy” and stumbles into the living room where I am now waking up to his sobs.  He looks at me, very disoriented and surprised there is a body on the couch and I could tell it worried him more than he once again woke up to no daddy in his world.  I reassured him that his daddy is in the bedroom and he could go see.  He did, and like he does every single night he is here, stayed in bed with his daddy.

I could have easily just written this off as insecurity of childhood, a forced separation of months at a time created by his mothers moving several states away.  But yesterday, my son, who is also a professional wrestler was doing a show last evening.  My grandson passed out from too much fun at Hockey Hole earlier in the day.  I love to watch my son in the ring, but other than that, I really do not like watching wrestling.  So I sat with my sleeping grandson.  He woke up terrified, tears streaming down his face, begging for his daddy.  Terrified his daddy is no longer in his world…. again.  I knew he was not sure where he was as I am whispering inches away from the tear filled face on the couch that his daddy was right here, he started twirling his hair in my hands and saying “no, my daddy, my daddy, where’s my daddy.”  My grandsons mother and myself has very long hair and I knew, just because he was half asleep, he thought the lady with the long hair (his mama) meant he was back away from his daddy.

He does a daddy check all thru out the day.  This takes separation anxiety to a level I have never seen before.

As my son came out of the locker room to console his son, I put my entire awareness within my grandsons field of energy.  I want to understand what he is going thru inside.  I sat and cried with him, I couldn’t help it, his pain is so deep and so real in his 2-year-old energy field.  His most vivid, emotionally charged memory right now that grows stronger every day, is that he is going to wake up and once again be away from his father.

I remember so many times when I would talk to his soul in meditation, he was coming to earth to be with his father.  He had also asked many times thru meditation to never make him choose between his father and mother.  I made sure I told both of them (his parents) this.

Once he finally calmed down yesterday all I could think was this little guy is going to need so much therapy as he grows older.  He already has a deeply embedded memory field that reminds him every day that what he loves will be taken away.

Of course, one day he is going to be an adult with serious trust and relationship issues and have no conscious memory of these very deep feelings within the two-year old aspect of himself.  I personally, will never forget what and how he feels.

One could easily justify that he came into this life to learn this particular lesson of separation and if I didn’t have so many conversations with his soul thru meditation, I would agree in a moment.  But he didn’t, he made it clear that his heart could not bear having to choose.

I think these are the scars that run the deepest in us.  I remember when I was dealing (within meditation) the molestation from my mother, granted it only ever happened once, but it cut so deep into my psyche like nothing else in all my other perceived traumas in life.  I asked my team why this was so difficult for me to release from my pain filled memory bank and they explained that it was not supposed to happen.  Same here with my grandson.

Our entire energy field is made up of memories.  That is what really orients us to the field of created matter.  The more emotionally charged the memory, the more solidified the field of experience… of matter.  We recreate our experience of life based on the memories running deep within our energy fields.

To truly change your world, you must change the emotional firings of the memories that brought you to here.  Like my son buying a new couch, I had no memory, no orientation to it, which gave me no connection upon waking to what reality I was connected to.  Granted, I lived in this very house for two years before moving to New Mexico, I slept in the same space every time I came back to visit… but I did not have his new couch in my memory field of experience.

To fully remove the pain, the worries, the fears that plague or attack us, we must go inside of ourselves and clear our old memory fields.  Completely defuse the emotion that is attached to those molecules.

I watch my son move out of the visual field of my grandson and I can feel my grandsons external energy field start to rev up with worry, the anxiety rising up to his mind and his words start to spill out of his mouth “where’s my daddy.”   The moment I reassure him that his daddy just went potty, calm finds its way back into his body… until the next moment his daddy is out of his eyesight.

I think about this and the many conversations that I have had over the year(s) about our divine counterparts, the worry that we will never really meet him or her.  I now must wonder how many toddlers are at the emotional steering wheel of y/our life?

The true process of ascension is the willful act of moving out all the old furniture of your life, all the emotional attachments that got you to here and starting completely new.  Even tho every single human on the face of this earth is actively going thru the ascension process, which is to say, everyone is being downloaded with the new codes, the new blueprints of their lives, you must first completely remove all the old furnishings to fully live what that means, the good, the bad, the neutral!  Everything gotta go!  Otherwise we keep sitting on the same sofa and wondering why nothing has really changed.  Even with your new furniture, don’t get to comfortable sitting upon any place, because that too will have to go one day to make room for more of the new!!

I had already told Heather (my Soul Gym partner) that I needed to add another class to our schedule before I left.  Now I see first hand just how important this class is.  The class is “Working with the inner child.”  My entire two year intensive healing journey was spent in childhood… seeing my grandson now, I fully understand why.  It is where we build our emotional memories and create our reality moment by moment from that time period because it is as real today as it was decades ago.  The mind does not separate time at all.

We start out in life creating our sense of self, our sense of identity by the world around us.  Everything seems so real.  So solid.  So self-identifying.  And until we fully let go, we recreate the old life every single day, because it is what we remember so unconsciously.  Have I mentioned meditation as a really great and productive way to get beyond the automatic memories rebuilding your daily experiences?

Let me give you the other, wonderful side of our toddler within.  They love so freely, so completely.  Every day is a new adventure, a new thing to get excited about.  A day when we just might play another round of Hockey Hole!!

I love you all sooooo much!!

(((((HUGZ)))) filled with golf balls and hockey sticks!!  Let’s play together!!

Lisa Gawlas

Special Note: I have put a reading special together in my absence.  Buy a September reading and get an October reading at half price.

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  1. […] Gawlas link to original article Share this:MorePrintShare on TumblrEmailDigg Pin ItLike this:LikeBe the first to like this. This […]


  2. Lisa, It is wonderful what you do in helping others. Please take my comment as loving and without hierarchy. There is no way you can go too deep in meditation. There are times when you can reach very deep levels where it takes the consciousness time to reconnect back into the circuit boards of the body. There were a couple times for me that I felt I was not breathing but it was my brain fear of fully releasing and giving myself over to spirit/God. When I came out of it, I was fine. I asked about what happened in meditation and it is like my body went into stasis, like you see on sci-fi shows. The fear is just the head brain and ego brain that thinks they are in control. Most of these meditations happened when I was working on the solar plexus and creating the shift to divine will verses ego will. This is upper level chakra work (above crown). Many blessings to you as you are on your path. Love, Peg P.S. I would caution you agains going into deep meditation while in bath water.


    • Hi Peggy ((((HUGZ)))

      I suppose that depends on what you do with meditation. I personally want to be completely conscious and interactive within each and every moment of meditation, when I go to sleep at night, that is when all the deep, not needed to remember work is done. Even in doing the deepest of healing work within meditation, I have found it (for me personally to be fully aware and in a conscious state of the supra-conscious experience taking place, this way I not only healed (whatever) I also fully seen why it took place from the other side of the veil.

      The beauty with meditation, there is never a right or wrong to it (except not doing it at all lol) and the how is whatever the meditator wants to use it for. I am all about complete conscious understanding of the whole process within me, what I don’t need to be conscious of happens in sleep… once pesky reason I rarely remember my dreams.

      Lots of love to you Peggy and I am so grateful that you share and most importantly that you meditate!!


  3. Hi Lisa,
    Wow! It is so true what you say often about how connected we all are – especially those of us who read your blogs daily and sometimes get readings from you.

    I never commented about it, but back when you were going through that whole thing with your contact lenses, I was going through a strangely similar process – at the same time! After twenty years of wearing rigid (hard lenses), I lost one of them. I had that particular pair for 1-2 years, can’t remember exactly. Anyways, the eye doc decided to switch me to soft lenses because of advances in lens technology. It was a several week process. As I went through the process, my astigmatism (ability to see clearly) improved greatly. In my right eye, it went down to zero and in my left eye went down to less than 1. So, the rigid contacts were actually causing the astigmatism!

    Anyways, back to today’s sharing. The contacts are just one example of me many times going through similar things as you write about them. What you wrote today is a perfect explanation of something that has plagued me my whole life. I have tried in so many ways to deal with it and I would think that just awareness would be enough to release it, but man-oh-man!; it has NOT been enough.

    It has been on my mind heavily for the past two weeks and last night it was extreme. I have certain patterns in my life that I have noticed and have caused me pain for at least 33 years. I am 51 and it has been notable since I was 18. Of course it existed before that, but became more significant when I graduated from high school.

    Basically, I am codependent. Neither of my parents ever drank or used drugs, however my dad’s addictions were work and religion and my mother was very codependent – always unhappy because of her relationship with my dad. I grew up in a fundamentalist Christian religion and it has colored my subconscious with guilt, shame, judgment, victimhood and low self-esteem. Procrastination, indecision and self-sabotage have kept me shackled in life. The codependency shows up hugely in my romantic life. I carry the energy of someone who was abused. I was never abused sexually that I know of, but my older brother abused me emotionally for years. Almost all of my friends, whether male or female, and my romantic partners have past connections with alcohol or drugs, sexual abuse or emotional abuse.

    I’ve been to 6 different psychological counselors in my life, had energy healings, spirit/past life readings, read tons of books, self-help and spiritual info, recited hundreds of different affirmations, prayed, been to seminars and spent lots of money on improving myself. Yes, I have meditated off and on since I was 29.

    Some things in myself have improved and others seem to get worse. It is to say the least, extremely frustrating.

    I know my response is getting very long. Thank you, Lisa, for all that you bring out into the open for us!

    Much Love,
    Mary Ann


    • Hi Mary Ann, I just read your comment and saw myself – age, upbringing, and although in my case there was abuse, very similar problems. Or rather, I used to have, until I made my spiritual connection, which helped me to totally change my whole life and empowered me to take full control of my life. My personal story and how I changed my life may be of help to you. It’s here on wordpress
      Love and (((hugs)))


  4. […] Lisa Gawlas Before I get onto the sharing that has been on my heart to share since the first day I woke up in my sons world (Ok this is only day two, but still!) I have got to share a smile with you first. My 2-year-old grandson has completely renamed Putt Putt Golf to Hockey Hole! He has been talking about Hockey Hole since I arrived and yesterday we went and played Putt Putt, his whole body lit up as we pulled in and he started shouting “Hockey Hole, Hockey Hole.” Ya know, I just love being a Grandma!Maybe it is the fact that I had just written about the various brain sections and spent an entire morning reading about all the functions of the brain that this sharing became more real than not. It seems, as I started waking up to start my day yesterday morning, an entire story of non-reality started to make itself very clear to me on so many levels. But let me start further back than yesterday. […]


  5. HI Lisa
    you wrote
    To fully remove the pain, the worries, the fears that plague or attack us, we must go inside of ourselves and clear our old memory fields. Completely defuse the emotion that is attached to those molecules.

    How do we do that?


    • Hi Jemma ((((HUGZ))))

      Meditation!! (smile) What helped me like nothing ever before, including 30 years of therapy, was dealing with whatever intense emotion was raising up within me. My biggest one was anger that turned into rage that turned into violence. I would stop in mid rage, go run a bath with the intent of finding out what exactly was happening to create such a strong emotion. My catalyst was usually my children, especially my then 10 year old daughter.

      What really started to surprise me and equally help me understand why 30 years of therapy never touched my rage was it was never ever the big things everyone seemed to blame my dysfunction on. Usually it was a young aspect of me (2 year old, 5 year old, 7 year old…) either witnessing something that I (at that young age) took personally and deeply. Sometimes it was only the voice inflection that triggered my uncontrollable rage.

      Of course my spiritual team knew where every single thing started within my emotional field and knew exactly where and how to take me to the core. It took me 2 years to fully tame every aspect of the wild beast within, then the next several years polishing the new energy, the non-reactive aspects of me and addressing what lingered.

      When they say you have got to go thru hell to get to heaven… that was never an understatement!! I was tore down to peices of unrecognizable bits of tears… but equally, reconstructed in the wholeness of love from there on out too.

      Love ya girl!!


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