Attempt number 2!! I spent two hours yesterday writing this blog, and with some crazy flick of my wrist on my mouse pad… poof it was all gone, replaced by two letters: zd. ZD is what got auto saved, dammit!! Maybe that was for Zero Data lol, cuz thats what I got! I was not about to do that all again. Today is a new day, I will be more careful with my wrists as I write on a kitchen table that is too high for arm placement. Yes, my mother has two desks here that I could be comfortably typing on… Speaking of my mother, it’s finally been a week today since she made her stubborn exit into spirit. I thought it was a week 3 days ago. It is kind of funny to witness the flow and drag of the thing we call time. The three months prior to her death went by in a blink, the last two days of her life, as her body actively shut down, the minutes passed like hours. This week after, it was as if time stopped and the memories and emotions poured out. With it all, a lot of understandings as well.
My mother was a huge picture taker, so I was able to see her life captured on paper these last 20 years. Ohhh the parties she threw. Tons of parties, tons of people attending, laughing and drinking at each occasion. Years worth! And the trips, lots of cruises, adventures, a lot of fun really. For all that, i am glad for my mother. Keeping in mind, my mother won $200,000 in the Pennsylvania Cash 5 lottery in 1998. That enabled her to buy this home and have years worth of wonderful times, 4 years to be exact before she declared bankruptcy. Not only did her money slip away, so did all those happy friends drinking and eating on her dime. To be fair to others, my mother was a master bridge burner and she burned a lot of bridges along the way and told a lot of lies along with it.
At first, I was just angry that in her end, not a soul came around to be with her, to hold her hand, save one lady that I called to ask if she would mom sit for me, until that time, my mother had not seen even her in years.
In the midst of coming into this full on realization about the quality of people in our lives, one of my skype sessions with my daughter in jail evoked the same message. She was so disappointed that none of her friends (save 2) sent her a birthday card. That one two people (myself included in the 2) sent her icare packages and two of my friends put birthday money on her commissary. Since the understandings were already coming clear with my mothers life, I explained to her that your friends are there when the drugs are needed or flowing or you’re throwing incredible tattoo specials, other than that, they are not your friends at all. The majority of people you have in your life are there to get something out of you. Not even her father wished her a happy birthday in anyway. Not even when she called him.
The main topic I was writing about yesterday comes from the audiobook I was listening to the day before my mother passed: “Conversations with God book 3” by Neale Donald Walsch. I had read the entire trilogy years ago, but had a credit on audible I needed to use up so I could finally remember to cancel that subscription, and I choose that book. I was listening to chapter 7, which was about the 5 natural emotions stated by God. I was shocked at one of them. But here is the 5 natural emotions via the Neales conversation with God: Grief, anger, envy, fear and love. Envy surprised me. Until now, I really thought of envy as a negative emotion, but after listening to Gods explanation, envy can be confused with jealousy, which is an unnatural outcome of envy. Simply stated, envy is the desire to be or have something more. My daughter is envious of my friends, the bond and help they so lovingly extend to the others in my life. That is a great thing to be envious about. That is a great thing to strive for in your own life. Envy stops being a good thing when one is unwilling to change to have whatever they are envious and then that envy turns to jealousy.
I was not as surprised to hear the emotion of anger in the 5 natural emotions, I have been told long ago that anger is actually a positive thing, the thing that tells you something is not right and needs to be changed. It is how we use that emotion that can make it a bad thing.
For the last three months I have been angry with my mother’s primary doctor for not doing her job. I was teetering on blame, which is not positive. In the last month of my mothers life, I was angry with this community, the lack of care that is here. I have a hard time even calling this place a community, because it really isn’t. It’s a nest of mobile homes that are more interested in rules than the lives that live here.
Grief, phew baby, I have been knee deep in it for a week. The desire to not say goodbye. Even with all the cleaning and throwing away of tons of stuff (my mother bordered on hoarding in her last years) I fully realized yesterday that living in my mother’s home, without a trace of me being here, is hard. It makes the grieving process linger. She is everywhere I look, walk, sit. And I miss her and teeter on being a little pissed that I only got 2-3 viable weeks with my mother. I do return to being in gratitude that I got 3 unexpected months with my mother… but hey, I am a work in progress.
To completely change the subject… On Saturday morning I decided to try a bath meditation. This tub is the most uncomfortable tub in the world. The back is straight like the wall and I had bought a high end bath pillow when I first moved here, but it does little to keep my chin off my chest. I managed to get a few minutes connection with my mother. It was faint and I had a hard time holding my connection, but my mother said, “I had to go now because I can help you better from this side of life. You are going to be doing big things.” What?? I already did a big thing, thats enough!! I don’t have the strength in me for anything bigger, thank you very much!!
So yesterday, after I vented on facebook about my lack of blog, I took to the couch and my pendulum to have a swing with Archangel Michael. For the first time really, I hesitated to have this pendulum conversation considering he foretold my mother of her impending death the last time we had a conversation. She knew what he was saying, I gaffed it off as cryptic. I have got to smile, as I continue to clean my mother’s stuff out, I found her pendulum book, a palmistry book and animal medicine cards. She and I could have had such a good time together!! We still will, of course, but not the way I would like it. Dammit!!
So anywayz… off to Archangel Michael land… He swings out: “Open to return to our state.” WHAT?? Am I going to die too?? No movement. Are you talking the state of florida, new mexico, somewhere in the US??? He swings no. Back to death… am I going to physically then?? What the hell??? He swings no. Then what the hell do you mean!! He repeated something God told me in 2004. I refused to write it down, nor will I ever say it out loud, even here. When God told me this in 2004, I blocked God’s voice for 3 years afterwards, I wanted to hear no more, nothing of what he was talking about. We have amazing power on this side of the veil!! lol I didn’t block Michael, I just refused to write it down (I write everything down when using the pendulum so I don’t forget then I can go back and ponder.) So then I asked what the hell does that mean now!!!!!!?????? He swings out: “Our time is now.” What?? Of course, I am still having a melt down about the not written statement and he swings out “Trust that your true self is ok.” Hey, I bank on that or I would be screwed!! lol That was enough AA Michael for me for the day!! Besides it was almost time for my skype session with Valorie.
Bless valorie’s heart. She has been having a massive pity party for herself pretty much since she went to jail. With everything happen with my mother, I didn’t have the emotional strength to address her at all. Every time we had a skype session she complained, took pity on herself, blamed everyone around her for the way she was feeling and the things that were happening to her and not once took responsibility for what is happening. Hell for the fact that her actions placed her in jail. She showed up depressed yesterday. They have been in lockdown for a whole day due to the storm. I reminded her that she is in jail, a place she put herself in and now she has got to find a way to make the best of the time she has in there. Long story short, I told her I don’t have the energy for her ongoing pity party. She is only grateful when someone writes to her or she gets an icare package or commissary money. When she is in between any of that… boo hoo hoo. Suddenly I got this clear contrast between my youngest child and my mother. And out of my mouth flew the words “I just spent three months watching my mother die, doing nothing to resolve the many issues in her life and you are doing the same thing.” Valorie’s only reply was “you have changed.” Uhhhh yeah!!! I told Valorie I needed a break from our video sessions until she is ready to do something positive within herself. My mother was dying, I allowed her whatever she needed or refused… I explained to Valorie, you will one day get out of jail and into a new life. At this rate, you will get out and be back into your old life, your old ways of doing things and that is something I refuse to enable. And I disconnected our skype session and canceled the other ones I had set up. I did write her an email and explained in detail my reasons and the choices she has. I put a lot of quotes from the secret and the conversations with god books in her email for reflection and told her to call me when she was ready.
I felt a receding of the grief and anger I allowed myself to wallow in this last week, not a complete receding but a start. OK Michael, I am open to return to the state I was in before… or better. If what you are asking of me is so… then I must be much better, spiritually speaking, than I was. I just divorced my incarcerated daughter, that can’t be a very high spiritual thing to do lol. I had to ponder tho and the pondering gave way to understanding. I hope this helps everyone of us.
I have threaded every detail of my beginnings, experiences and understandings on my website (which Homestead just completely retemplated, I have a lot of web work to do to clean it up now) and the true start of this journey happened after my experience with the Blessed Mother who gutted me like a fish (click here to read the story.) Afterwards, feeling utterly empty and lost all I kept asking is “who am I.” My team would only say, when the time is right, you will know. Three years later, no longer caring about the answer to that question, God told me. I was shocked and like I said, block him and any detail of what he meant for 3 years. Even when I told him, OK we can talk about that now, at least a little… I didn’t really mean it. So now, 12 years later with Archangel Michael spelling it out in unmistakable words… exact same words, starting with “You Are…” Think about that for a moment. It wasn’t you can be, you will be, YOU ARE. I kind of liken god’s words in 2004 and Michaels yesterday like entering college to be a doctor and on day one the teachers declare you a Doctor. You are a doctor, now be that!! lol 12 years later, you get the certificate that states it again. lol
Unlike college tho, instead of learning something, you are embodying something. You cannot learn to be spirit in body, you can only Be that. Sounds strange doesn’t it, when there are a million classes and activations out there to state, yup you are fully living spirit in body, but that only means something to the person who receives it, mostly likely, who paid for it. There are a lot of doctors out there who should not have that piece of paper, like my mother’s former primary doctor, she does more harm than good.
Action speak louder than words. ACT – BE. Stillness and movement are one and the same. Within the stillness of your Love is the action of your love. Of your soul, your True Self. Not the other way around. Ponder that for a minute!! lol
I spent a lot of time reflecting yesterday on the weeks leading up to my move to Florida. The stillness came before any action, any choice. Everything that came thru me was more different than it ever was before. It is hard to explain in words. Usually, there was a choice and a time to make that choice. With every choice point regarding my mother, it was all one energy vibrating in my core. A decision needed to be made and it was made instantly in that moment from my core.
I have also been leaning heavily on the timeline change that had to take place before I left. I have talked to my aunt in PA just about every day since I got here, especially after my mothers passing, thanking her for talking my mother into letting me come. She stated often that it took a lot. She would call and my mother refused over and over and over again, until that experience when I got lost trying to go on a hike in Albuquerque. She stated many times that she has no idea what made my mother suddenly change her mind, and then even got excited about my arrival… I do. And I think of that power we all have to change timelines for higher outcomes. But even more than that, listening to the Conversations with God, book 3… and god stated that we all have the ability to instantly travel from one place to another, we just do not believe we can and therefore, we cannot. That has hung with me since I heard it a week ago.
On a final note for today… I am back in reading land this weekend, the 15th. I sent out an email to everyone a few days ago that has been patiently waiting to get rescheduled, I also placed it on my facebook, but now let me place the rescheduling link here too. I am finding out that I have missed some people with the email, I am so sorry about that, I never expected a 3+ month delay in all of this. Please click here to get your reading rescheduled: https://app.acuityscheduling.com/schedule.php?owner=11679649&appointmentType=category:B+-+Reschedule+Zone
I am so excited and a bit scared (in a positive way tho) of getting back in the saddle again. Call it performance anxiety. So much changed when I did that week of readings in my new office, there is no doubt in my heart even more changed now. I will be putting out a new special this coming weekend, I want to let those who have been waiting, to get scheduled first.
I love you all so much. Thank you for being my rocks, my wind, my loves during this life changing time within my world. Thank you for loving my mother and building a temple of love and grace for her to exit from. I cherish you more than I can put into words. Let me share with you something my team told me (as I try and explain to people here what I do) “I only read for the evolved souls.” I know it is within our own human nature to question our own evolution, spiritually speaking and I know without a shadow of a doubt, those who love me, who have sent prayers and love and assurance thru this massive 3-4 month journey truly are god in body, expressing as You. And to coin AA Michael’s words… “Our time is Now!!!”
Big big big (((((HUGZ))))) of loving gratitude to ALL!!!
Lisa Gawlas www.mysoulcenter.com/bookreading.html
P.S. Just as I am looking for artwork to go with this sharing, in comes a wonderful “Marshmallow Message from Kryon:”
Old soul, you are the one to start having these dreams, these new realities. As your DNA starts to increase in its efficiency and you give permission for a higher consciousness, it may begin. It won’t just happen to the children. It can’t be only them, since you’re the ones with the most experience at the moment. The children will get there eventually, since they’re old souls too, but you have the wisdom to understand it now.
As these things start to happen to you as an adult, no matter what age you are, old soul, there’s a tendency to suppress it. Perhaps you will instead question it and go to somebody who will listen to you and say, “I’ve had a weird thing happen.” Don’t you dare say that! It’s not weird; it’s a normal thing! The only thing weird is a Human who has lived with the grand potentials of this for eons and never used it! That’s weird!
If you’re someone who can transmute time, and there’s some in here who know exactly what I’m talking about, I want you to claim it. If you’re one here or listening who has had what I will call a multidimensional experience, I don’t want you to tell somebody it was weird. I want you to stand up and claim that you’re moving out of this 3D box and you’re starting to realize that you are having experiences that you’ve earned! The shift is here and the old soul is starting to feel the new tools!