It is an interesting thing to witness yourself, to be in the moment feeling the feelings running thru you and standing outside of yourself, witnessing the event as well. After I hung up the phone with my auto loan company Santander Consumer USA yesterday afternoon (yes, someone finally called me) and my heart was so heavy with emotion and not the pleasant kind, my stomach in nauseating knots, my eyes building a wall of water that would eventually leak thru throughout the day, I was taken back to 1998. I was dating a man I was very much in love with, three months into the relationship I found out he was married for 18 years and had three children. He told me he was single and never had any children. My heart shattered into a million pieces along with the foundation built of lies called our relationship. Who would think, such strong, deep emotions could happen when you find out your auto loan company set up the same sort of relationship with you.
Back in 1998, I asked Matt to stop coming around, leave me alone, he didn’t see and understand things my way and god knows, the flesh can be weak. But I am a proactive kind of girl as was his wife when she found out about me just about the same time. I saved every email, every love song created of lies that he had sent to me, printed them off and gave them to his wife. I told her, he is yours, do what you need to do but please keep him out of my world.
Had I known for a single moment Matt was married and had 3 young children, I would have never entered into a relationship with him, which he stated clearly, that is exactly why he lied. Santander did a similar thing. They lied over and over thru the years, telling me one thing on the phone, doing another thing to my loan, they love me so much they never ever want me to leave. My car loan should have been paid in this past September and thru some very fuzzy math and confusing wording in my contract with them, 7 years, 4 months after entering into this agreement with them, (my agreement was for 72 months/payments, I am now into month 78, if I paid this month) they insist I still have just under 50% of my principal left on my note. I only borrowed $14,000 in 2009 and have paid back over $30,000 to date. At this rate, I have to pay another 5-7 years on my car.
Of course, back in 2009 thru 2011 when my own financial world was struggling to find footing, my loan company appeared to care, to take care of me. No repo man coming in the dead of night, instead they said they have programs set up for these unexpected times in life and they allowed me (over the course of those years) to put 8 missed payments on the “back of the loan.” I was even assured by one of their representatives that I would only be charged late fee and penalty, not additional interest. I felt so blessed, so taken care of. I loved my auto loan company.
About a year into living here in the Jemez, my daily/monthly needs have been consistently met. I have not been late in the last 3-4 years on my car note and I sooo looked forward to the day I paid my last payment.
The way I felt yesterday after hanging up with the lady (actually was very nice and very sympathetic to my situation even if the most she could do is take $75 off something or another, which I told her that’s kind of like taking a cup of water out of the ocean, I appreciate it, but it really doesn’t do much) I felt like for 7 years I was in bed with Jesus only to wake up one morning to find out it has always been Satan!!
I had already started to get proactive the day prior. I filed a complaint with the Attorney General in Virginia, as soon as I typed in the word Santander on their online form, the rest of the information (their address and phone number) suddenly filled itself out. Shit, this is not a good sign!! Obviously others have taken this route before me. I have filed yesterday morning with the federal trade commission and then last evening with Consumer Financial Protection Bureau.
I still had one more reading left to do after getting off the phone with Santander, and I couldn’t. It has been so incredibly long since I have felt the heaviness of these emotions and its hard to climb a mountain when you have lead weight strapped to your feet. At the same time tho, it was very much like witnessing the expanded soul mind give way to the mental mind (for those that do not like the lower mind use, smile.)
So as I am sitting there, hurting, trying not to throw up and my eyes leaking, I thought about the sharings in this last week, how important the denser emotions are when we use them effectively. There is a massive wind blowing and I am in the center of it. Gotta let these emotions run their course first. I binge watched Bernie Sanders videos. This is passionate, purposeful, hopeful and determined to make change where change is overdue, man and I am breathing in his energy. Let the hurt run out and refill with determination to create change. And eat chocolate, a lot of chocolate!!!
After a few hours, I do what I do best, I write, with this is was just a little emotional release on facebook. To those who stand with me on facebook, I will never be able to tell you enough how much I appreciate your friendship, your love, your heart and hand holding thru that venue and your ability to search out places I have yet to look for assistance. Thank you so very much.
The moment I posted, my son called, god I love his humor relief, I am so blessed to have him in my world. Nothing like 10 minutes of laughter to get you onto more proactive stuff.
So now I am witnessing my blessed mind, it so focused on action, on getting something done. The mental mind was developed to protect the human incarnate, to look at ways to survive and often times, we discount this amazing force of nature, but when it’s on a mission, its mission oriented. It is kind of awe inspiring really. The true master of matter, partnered with the master of love (the soul) lots can get done to create change for the better.
I drank in so many various consumer websites where for many years back, Santander has been doing this same exact thing to many many people, to the extent of repoing their car even after they thought their car note was paid in full. Bless the hearts of so many people!!
I cannot say I got restful sleep last night, I think I simply passed out from emotional exhaustion!! The last thing on my mind last night and the first thing on my mind the moment my eyes opened… Santander!! Action, proactive action. But also, gratitude. I am grateful to have had a car company allowing me my car when no one else would. I am grateful it never was repoed and that the times I fell behind were put on the back, even if Santander had ulterior motives, it does not change my deep gratitude to have my car still in my driveway. I stay anchored in the gratitude while my mind finds the solution to end this relationship. Today’s mission is contacting attorneys, well finding one that can help me end the insanity, for myself especially, but also, overall with others too.
But once again, I have got to bring it back to the minds we have. In readings, the mental mind graciously takes a back seat to the spiritual mind unfolding and the spiritual mind, like today, takes a back seat to the mental mind on a mission. The energy difference is unmistakable and in its own way, beautiful. …unless you’re on my dance card today, not quite sure how beautiful that is going to be. We will see when my first appointment rolls around shortly!!
Well thank you for letting me vent and ramble and process my own crazy wonderful world today. I continue to ask to send your love light thru this entire situation, I am going to have to borrow some fuel to keep going (I’m still exhausted, not very used to the density these days/years.)
I love and appreciate you all so much, thank you for all the support and links and wisdom you sharing with me!!
((((HUGZ)))) clear sailing for ALL!!!
Lisa Gawlas www.mysoulcenter.com/bookreading.html