Posted by: Lisa Gawlas | April 23, 2015

The Light, The Dark, The Love!!


light-and-dark

Well, these last two days I took a nose dive, a heart dive into the depths of duality.  The other side of love that just hurts so much, not because something was done to you, or really has any affect on your own quality of life, but simply because you love and love with all your heart.  I sat in my hurt last night and cherished the feeling, of loving someone so much you empathize with knowing their life is falling apart and all you can do is witness it and love them thru it all.

My youngest daughter (24) has made a consistent series of bad choices pretty much since her senior year in high school and started to develop a rap sheet a mile long now, not once did it deter her from making the same choices, doing the same exact thing that she was arrested or ticketed for in the past.  Of course, when I look back on my own life, pre-bathtub era, (smile,) I have had my own similar patterns.  I never did anything illegal, just self destructive.

My daughter is currently in jail, being held without bond, as she awaits a separate hearing for a similar charge next month, while being on parole for a conviction of similar charge (all stealing, all felonies.)  Dare I mention the pill addiction, the drug addiction she is also going thru.  The rehab facility that is akin to a legal drug dealer, for $13 a day, she gets s steady dose of methadone and thru it, I have watched her go deeper into her addiction… helpless because now its justified and called “medicine.”.  The crazy society we live in, god forbid anyone should feel their own pain from their own choices, best we medicate it all.  Much to my absolute surprise, she is continuing with the methadone treatments in jail.  Holy shit even!!

So now I have a 24 year old, amazing child looking at real prison time and it breaks my heart.  Death is not always a loss of physical life and I have been in the grieving process because her life will never be the same and so much harder than it ever had to be.

I took a long ride to the grocery store yesterday, just to get out of my house and out of my head, popped on the audio book “The Afterlife of Billy Fingers” just wanting to ride with someone who lived (and died) a similar path, and to try and understand, looking for direction of what to do, how can I help all the while praying for the light of knowing.

I have told my daughter so many times, she has the worse karma in the whole world, she is always getting caught doing something.  Granted, she does get her fathers genetics of an incredibly pessimistic attitude with life and lives it out loud.  But I realized yesterday, as I begged her soul for understanding and direction… there is so much more to her consequences than just bad karma.

When we stray off of our life path, our soul will make sure brick walls are placed in our way to redirect.  Thru the brick wall comes bigger challenges to choose again.  Equally, it will align earth angels to help us over that hump, which she has had and I am so grateful for.  But her choices and actions never really changed at all.  Sometimes, the angels become inadvertently, enablers, thinking they are helping when really its allowing more of the destructive choices, myself included.

As I was driving back home, my daughters soul voice came thru loud and clear for a brief moment.  I heard “we had to get her off the street.”

I have seen it written so many times that everything is perfect, as it should be, we are experiencing what we came here to experience and I have always called that a crock of shit, simply by understanding my own (destructive) path to here and knowing I never should have made some of the choices I did, same applies to my daughter.  The safest thing her soul, her guides could do for her was to take her completely out of the life she was living as a way of saving her life and taking a longer, harder look at her choices.  Of course, the next thing is going to be getting her to be responsible for her choices, her actions, instead of saying it was someone elses fault.

The other side of this coin is dealing with an adult child.  No one will talk to me because she is over 18.  I don’t know the truth, the story behind the story.  What she is being charged with conflicts with what she is saying happened.  Nor can I find out the process for her, from here.  She does have a life outside of jail, car payment, critters, stuff… makes a mama nuts when they say, “but we cannot discuss this with you.”  Grrrrrr!! I am feeling like mushroom here!!

Of course, I want to do something to help my daughter in some way.  Her roommate said her car note is due… well shit, its more than I have available, but I figured maybe a partial payment will keep it from the repo man until we know what her future looks like.  Of course they (her finance co.) could not talk to me about anything and told me to have her call them… ummmm… she can’t, she’s in jail!!  Doesn’t matter.  So I use the scenario conversation… what if… he’s willing to take my money but not tell me if that is enough to keep the repo man away.  I told him I will call back when I decide.  Seems the freakin universe decided for me.

My daughters whole world revolves around money, period.  Making money, spending money.  On my drive home as I was hearing bits and pieces of her soul communication I clearly heard send her love, lots of love but not money.  By the time I got home, the universe made sure I did not help her financially cuz I had two refund requests which put my money in a deficit.  When the universe wants something in a certain way, they make sure it happens that way.  Cuz I know me, I would have done it anywayz, but now, I cannot!!

So I thought to myself, I will get her the book “the secret” she has nothing but time now and if she gets bored enough, maybe she will read it.  Me and her brother have been trying to conspire for her to see the DVD, but also “get it” too.  Well, books are not allowed to be sent to jail.  Methadone, yes, books, no!!  Talk about getting an inside look into a black hole that just gets blacker!!

Kinda funny, the day before this all happened I was doing my dishes and seen one of the morning doves jumping up and down on the ground outside.  I assumed this bird was doing the wild thing, it is mating season.  I went to my back door to peek in, and my heart broke into a million peices.  This morning dove was standing on a dead morning dove, I swear trying to give it a birds version of CPR.  Bouncing up and down as the feathers flew in the wind.  When the dove seen me looking, he picked up his dead partner by the talons and flew off with it… and I could feel its sadness, its pain, its loss.  Little did I know it was an omen for things to come in my world.  Yet, yesterday as I breached the end of my driveway, a massive yellow and black butterfly (not a monarch tho) emerged in front of my drivers side window and flew to the left side of my car.

Death and rebirth… may my daughter find the wings to fly anew!  I love her so damn much its all I can feel and I am grateful.

Thank you for enduring my venting process, it does help a lot.  Time to get back on the phone and make more calls.  I love you all so much and am so grateful to have you in my world, in my heart!!

((((HUGZ))))) of hope and light to all that may be enduring the darker side of love and the strength to stay focused on the love light itself!! ❤

Lisa Gawlas

www.mysoulcenter.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Responses

  1. Lisa, As a mother I know first hand what you are going through. My two youngest sons were drug addicts…The youngest a heroin addict. I can’t tell you how many times I rushed in and rescued him and helped him pay off his bills and get to a point where he could start over again with a clean slate. I can’t tell you how many times I did that. I was his mother and I had to help him despite all the advice that he was the only one that could him himself. I could not do it for him and I was enabling him with all my help….Only when I was finally able to let go and leave him alone to suffer the consequences of his actions did he finally come to realize he had to do it himself. All this started in his early teens and he turns 50 in October. I had to come to the realization that it was the path he chose to walk. Even drug addicts and criminals are walking a spiritual path. There are lessons that the soul can learn from them just like any other life. Oh the heart ache of having to stand by and watch someone so loved and not be able to do a thing about it. Sometimes love requires it. My son finally got off drugs after spending so much time behind bars and in drug programs. It was gut wrenching for me…(he was in his 40’s before this happened) He has hepitice C from his drug use and it is going untreated because he can not afford the treatments….I still have to remind myself to keep my hands off his life and let him make his own choices even if it leads to his death. That is so hard! I have to remind myself that god loves him just as much as he loves me. You are right about the grief, I live with it and it seems it might be harder than living with a grief that comes from a death. I do not know….Thank god. But having said all that the bottom line is there is absolutely nothing you can do for your daughter but leave her alone and let her play out her life as she chooses.You can pray for her and you know how powerful prayer is…. You could pay her car payment but it would not help her at all. It would only put a dent into your own finances….Drug addicts have to reach the very bottom before they will reach out and help themselves and in the meantime they will tell you anything you want to hear to get you to enable them in some way. It is just devastating how much that hurts…they actually use your love for them against you and the damage it does to you and to the relationship is just awful. She is safer in jail than anywhere else right now. she is a danger to herself loose to get whatever drugs and in whatever way it takes to get them… at least in jail the drug use is controlled and she is not in danger of overdosing…I always felt that relief when my son was in jail. You need to find the strength to trust her to god no matter what happens…There is nothing you can do anyway. I am praying for your daughter and for you and all the others out there that are suffering the same…So many of them….God bless you and give you the strength and the wisdom to let go…much loveCarol

    Like

    • Thank you Carol. I lost a brother to an overdose. He was only 21 but the years that he experienced the addiction were so incredibly stressful for our family, trying to help while he just kept throwing the help away. I love that he is no longer miserable. My parents and siblings love that he is no longer miserable. What a hard path to travel as a human.
      Love to you and Lisa too!

      Like

  2. I love you Lisa!

    Like

  3. […] https://lisagawlas.wordpress.com/2015/04/23/the-light-the-dark-the-love/ […]

    Like

  4. I have been to prison and I built this simple website to share how I was able to rebuild my life by finding my interests.

    Most people are in prison because “society” is crooked, it doesn’t help, it hinders, it doesn’t support, it’s harsh and critical, the mind of man is getting better but there is evil in this world, even though we don’t wish to look.

    They need power to say no….. power to fight…. love to fight…. light to fight … to pull themselves out, knowledge to rebuild themselves. It may not be completely what you think in regards to wrong choices. Power is necessary to not make a bad choice.

    That power comes from emotional discontent that wells up in a human being. A momentum of goodness is necessary.

    Without self knowledge we can dissipate that inward light, we can let it go, it can be taken from us.

    So I created this website called the 3 diamonds because we need knowledge on these three diamonds to be happy, purposeful and healthy.

    But before I send you that you got to get mad! because I tell you the drug companies and politicians are traitors they are doing a number on us. This link is for a website that gives a solution to heroin addiction.

    http://www.whale.to/v/heroin_add.html

    It is a fight to stay sane, it is a fight to be positive, is a fight to find your interests and life purpose, it is a fight to find spirituality and to stay healthy and fit…. sometimes we have to inject that fight into others and tell them to stand!

    You got to fight in the right direction though…. and here’s my website… it’s simple but I hope it helps…. lot of love and fight, to you and your children…. it’s just like rocky he’s punched a 100 times, but he stands back up and eventually he/she wins.

    https://the3diamonds.wordpress.com/

    anyway all the best to you….

    Liked by 1 person

  5. […] http://www.lisagawlas.wordpress.com/ link to original article […]

    Like

  6. […] Lisa Gawlas, The Shift of Time and Energy, April 23, […]

    Like

  7. Reblogged this on Infinite Shift | Ascension | First Wave Volunteers | Starseeds | Lightworkers | Blue Rays.

    Like

  8. Indeed!! The occasional dive into the Abyss is a required detour for those of us who choose a Spiritual Path. We delve into the depths of our subconscious and tousle with our Ego then rise, victorious, like the Phoenix.

    Like

  9. Oh my goodness, Lisa, I’m so sorry. I feel your feelings coming through your post and I know they must be so overwhelming because it can be so hard to determine what the best course of action is and the inability to know what the right thing to do is can be excruciating. But the journey we’re all on is best taken shared, so I had to comment to let you know that you’re not alone, and that we all suffer–in one form or other–for love. All my best to you and your beautiful, hard-lesson-minded daughter.

    Like


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: